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Jul. 5th, 2019 06:56 pmSo it is about a month and a half until I move and start grad school and, I'm excited, and nervous, but not for the reasons you might expect of me. See, the thing is, as I've been getting ready I've realized that the "school" part is such a small part of what I'm actually concerned about. And, honestly? After a life where school was always the priority, always the most important thing over my health, my socialization, my self-discovery, my hobbies, I am READY to try it again and focus on something else.
I am going to grad school because I need a space to live that's all my own, that I can invite people to. I'm going to grad school because I'm excited about the school job I've got lined up. I am going to grad school to live somewhere with better public transportation. I am going to grad school so I can find activism and arts groups and get more involved. I am going to grad school to learn how to better interact with myself and the world. Like, where I am now, I feel helpless, but in a month and a half I am going to massively increase my agency, and I'm trying to hold onto that.
People ask if I've figured out what flavor of librarianship I want to study and I've told them no, I'll see what happens when I get there. And I've only just realized that's indicative of how little that actually matters. If I get a job in a library setting, a good job, like, it barely matters what the specifics are. I AM going into librarianship because I believe in it and because it works with my available skill set; whether I end up a science librarian or a public librarian or an archivist or a library director.... it'd all be good, y'know? I know I'm going to have to find direction but I'm... not worried about it right now. I'm not.
I'm worried about living as an independent adult, I'm worried about keeping in contact with the people who I will now be farther from, especially my boyfriend, because I know we can manage, but LDRs are hard. I'm worried about falling into old, unhealthy patterns without balance. I'm worried about america falling into fascism and climate change and the world ending generally.
But what I am doing in the face of that is the best thing for me, in the moment, and me, moving forward. Is preparing myself to have experience and resources and that thought is... comforting.
I'm sure I'll enjoy the academic side of my degree; I'm me, how can I not? But I'm thinking about and prioritizing so much more to that and I am glad for it.
I am going to grad school because I need a space to live that's all my own, that I can invite people to. I'm going to grad school because I'm excited about the school job I've got lined up. I am going to grad school to live somewhere with better public transportation. I am going to grad school so I can find activism and arts groups and get more involved. I am going to grad school to learn how to better interact with myself and the world. Like, where I am now, I feel helpless, but in a month and a half I am going to massively increase my agency, and I'm trying to hold onto that.
People ask if I've figured out what flavor of librarianship I want to study and I've told them no, I'll see what happens when I get there. And I've only just realized that's indicative of how little that actually matters. If I get a job in a library setting, a good job, like, it barely matters what the specifics are. I AM going into librarianship because I believe in it and because it works with my available skill set; whether I end up a science librarian or a public librarian or an archivist or a library director.... it'd all be good, y'know? I know I'm going to have to find direction but I'm... not worried about it right now. I'm not.
I'm worried about living as an independent adult, I'm worried about keeping in contact with the people who I will now be farther from, especially my boyfriend, because I know we can manage, but LDRs are hard. I'm worried about falling into old, unhealthy patterns without balance. I'm worried about america falling into fascism and climate change and the world ending generally.
But what I am doing in the face of that is the best thing for me, in the moment, and me, moving forward. Is preparing myself to have experience and resources and that thought is... comforting.
I'm sure I'll enjoy the academic side of my degree; I'm me, how can I not? But I'm thinking about and prioritizing so much more to that and I am glad for it.
